Friends of mine get confused when they find out how much I love re-watching the Star Wars prequels. They know I’m a huge Star Wars fan, and they know the prequels are a bit of an abomination. It puzzles them as to why I would willingly subject myself to the prequels’ catastrophic story-telling more than once. Well, firstly, there are some good bits to the prequels. Take the lightsaber battle between Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Maul. That was a nifty fight. Secondly, I adore the ridiculousness of the prequels. That’s right. I adore it.
And there is nothing more ridiculous in all the Star Wars prequels than the relationship between Anakin Skywalker and Padmé Amidala. If you haven’t seen the prequels, then you are missing out on some high-quality, nonsensical romance. The cringe factor between these two is alive and well every time they’re on screen. The only truly great thing about their relationship is the music that accompanies it. (Their theme is called “Across the Stars,” and the piece was composed by John Williams. He is one of the saving graces of the prequels.)
Because of the shudder-inducing dialogue between them, Anakin and Padmé provide us with some great entertainment. I never look down upon corny dialogue. Laughs are few and far between these days, my fellow gamers, so I take them where I can get them. And that includes re-watching the Star Wars prequels for that sweet, sweet cringiness. Read on if you want to experience (or re-experience) Padmé and Anakin’s ridiculous romance with me once again.
25 Loathing Sand
Anakin has one of the worst pick-up lines in the history of pick-up lines, and the most ridiculous thing about it is that it works. Padmé and he are on this gorgeous section of the planet Naboo, complete with a sandy beach, and he tells her how much he hates sand and how rough it is.
Way to be a whiner when you’re almost literally at paradise. Of course, he then segues into how smooth everything is here and begins stroking her shoulder. Subtlety is definitely not Anakin’s strong suit.
24 “Our” New Empire
Anakin makes the switch from Light to Dark Side ostensibly in order to gain new powers that will help him save Padmé’s life. When Padmé confronts him about it, he spends a moment trying to convince her of how the whole endeavor will be a good idea.
Geez, Anakin, do you not know your wife? Was she ever the type of person who would approve of you going to the Dark Side? She has always done right by the Jedi and the Republic, and yet he just spouted off about how he was going to create a glorious new Empire.
23 Getting Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable
When Anakin was first assigned as Padmé’s bodyguard, she was not shy about her feelings about it. She literally used the words “Please don’t look at me like that.” And when Anakin said, “Like what?” and then continued to give her this creepy stare, she stated that he was making her feel very uncomfortable.
I don’t blame her. He was looking at her as if he was a psycho-stalker. But I suppose she eventually forgot her discomfort in the face of Anakin’s smooth pick-up lines later on.
22 Just A Couple Of Tusken Raiders
If I had been Padmé after Anakin told her he slew all of the Sand People, including the women and children, I would have run for the hills. This was the first moment that showed the darkness lurking within Anakin’s heart.
But I’m guessing instead of doing the sane thing, Padmé stayed by Anakin’s side and comforted him. Every other horrible thing that Anakin did was predated by his wildly disproportionate handling of the Tusken Raiders. Padmé should have known.
21 Did They Just Kiss Out In The Open?
In order to have a relationship at all, Anakin and Padmé had to keep their love a secret. I don’t know how they kept it hidden for so long given how inappropriately they behaved.
In Revenge of the Sith, after Anakin’s daring rescue of Chancellor Palpatine aboard General Grievous’ ship, he met Padmé outside the Senate rotunda. There were a bunch of politicians nearby, but that didn’t stop the two of them from sharing one big smackeroo and a twirly hug. They clearly aren’t professional secret-keepers.
20 Does This Look Like The Face Of A Savior?
Palpatine dropped hints to Anakin that he could potentially find a way to save a person from perishing. (He is clearly so trustworthy.) Anakin ends up believing every word that Palpatine said. He even saves Palpatine’s life at the expense of Mace Windu.
I understand that Anakin wanted to save Padmé from an arduous passing during childbirth, but there were so many flaws in choosing Palpatine to help him. Palpatine did not know the secret to keeping people alive at the time Anakin helped him out.
19 Knowing Your Wife’s Co-Workers
Senator Bail Organa was one of Padmé’s close associates in the Senate. They agreed with each other that Chancellor Palpatine had to be removed from power, and they always strove to keep up diplomatic channels with warring entities.
When Padmé’s children were left motherless, Bail kept one of them. If Anakin had had a clearer understanding of who his wife worked with, maybe he would have been able to sense more quickly where his children were at. Then again, he never guessed that Luke was with his own relatives.
18 Young Love
When Anakin and Padmé first met, he was nine-years old and she was fourteen-years old. They met when Padmé and her entourage had to land on Tatooine to repair their ship.
Right off the bat, Anakin had a crush on the young Queen of Naboo.
I used to be a nine-year old way back when, and I don’t remember ever having a crush as intensely as Anakin’s for Padmé. I was focused on hanging out with my friends and playing outside. Anakin definitely was a one-of-a-kind child.
17 Using The Force As An Ultrasound
Unbeknownst to Anakin and Padmé, when Padmé was pregnant, she was carrying twins. I don’t understand how Anakin could not tell that she had two babies within her. I mean, the Force has been used to sense the presence of life forms before.
Plus, given how attuned Anakin must be to Padmé and her person, you would think Anakin would be able to sense every nuance about what was going on in her womb. I’m guessing Anakin never bothered to try probing the life blossoming in front of him.
16 Who Was The Man At Their Wedding?
In order to have themselves an official wedding, Padmé and Anakin needed a person to officiate their wedding. Their only two witnesses were the droids Artoo-Detoo and See-Threepio. A small wedding makes sense since they were both trying to keep their relationship a secret.
But who was the man who married them?
Was he aware of the clandestine nature of the marriage he was sanctifying? I have so many questions, none of which will be answered.
15 Who Cares About Younglings?
Part of Anakin’s Sith training involved taking a lightsaber to a room full of younglings. I have no idea why this casual child-slaying was necessary to save Padmé’s life, but there you have it.
When Obi-Wan finds out what Anakin has done, the first thing he does is go tell Padmé about it. She confronts Anakin about it after that and then tries to convince him to leave the war and everything behind him so that they can run away together. You know what that means, right? Padmé was willing to forgive Anakin’s disposal of younglings.
14 Willing To Live A Lie
In Attack of the Clones, Anakin and Padmé share a very interesting meal, after which Padmé stresses the fact that they cannot ever be in a relationship together. To start going out would mean that they would have to keep that part of their lives secret, and Padmé specifically stated that she was unwilling to live like that.
I guess she ended up changing her mind about living a lie and all that jazz. It’s ridiculous how often Padmé has changed her mind about her relationship with Anakin.
13 Maintaining The Crush
The fact that nine-year-old Anakin developed a crush on Padmé Amidala is amazing all by itself. The fact that he kept that crush alive for ten years after that without ever seeing her at all is jaw-droppingly astounding.
Anakin and Padmé spent ten years apart between the events of The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones. And yet, when Anakin sees her again, his ardor has never been stronger. It’s like he jumps immediately into the deep end of the adoration pool.
12 I Force-Choke Because I Care
Everything leading up to Anakin Force-Choking Padmé felt forced (pun intended). Anakin told Padmé the real location of where he would be as he ended the Separatist leadership. Padmé decided to go find him even though she was pregnant and the situation involved Separatists being involved.
And then Anakin had to get so angry at her when he found out Obi-Wan hid aboard her ship that he just Force-Choked the woman he turned to the Dark Side for in the first place. Ugh.
11 How To Hide A Bump
Part of keeping a relationship secret is hiding any clue that the two people in the relationship are together. One major clue that Anakin and Padmé left for the world to see was her pregnancy bump. Obviously it would be difficult to hide that large of a clue, so I can’t blame them for throwing up their hands in the air and just letting it show.
But I am intensely curious as to what Padmé had to say about her condition to her co-workers. Did they not pry? And could none of them guess about her having a relationship with a Jedi who hugged her in public and slept over at her apartment?
10 Heed The Signs
Anakin wakes up from his nightmare about Padmé thoroughly terrified for her life. The last time he had dreamed about someone leaving this mortal coil, it had come true. Padmé was aware of this, and yet when Anakin told her about the dream he had had, she did not show any concern for her own safety.
If Anakin’s prophecies have a tendency to occur, then maybe Padmé should have been more worried. She should have taken every extra caution to not put herself in any danger. (For example, she should not have gone to Mustafar with a potential crowd of Separatists there.)
9 Buddy Boss
Attack of the Clones makes it pretty clear that Anakin has developed a close friendship with Chancellor Palpatine. We don’t know what happened between the Battle of Theed and the beginning of the Clone Wars, but it’s curious to note that their friendship continued onward after Padmé and Anakin’s relationship started.
Palpatine is, in essence, Padmé’s boss.
She is a senator, and he presides over the Senate. Wouldn’t Anakin’s friendship with Palpatine make her uncomfortable?
8 Expert Carver
When Anakin left Tatooine for the first time, he gifted Padmé a small japor snippet. It was a small necklace he gave to her so that she wouldn’t forget him. Padmé ends up being buried with it as well.
That’s all very romantic, but what kind of smooth operator was nine-year-old Anakin Skywalker? Did he seriously just carve that for her on the spot? Or had he been working on it for a while and just decide to give it to her then? When I was nine-years old, the most I could gift a person was some macaroni art.
7 A Not-So Aggressive Negotiator
When we first met Padmé Amidala in The Phantom Menace, she was a young queen struggling to protect her planet from an invasion. In Attack of the Clones, she was a senator fighting for peace. All in all, she was a very strong woman.
But then once Revenge of the Sith rolled around, her character changed drastically. She no longer seemed as independent and strong as she used to be. And the one thing that changed between the third movie and the second was that she married Anakin Skywalker.
6 Kenobi And Amidala
Anakin begins to suspect that Padmé is having some sort of a secret relationship with his old mentor, Obi-Wan Kenobi. He has a vision of the two of them together, and then his worst fears appear to be confirmed when he sees that Obi-Wan accompanied her to Mustafar.
If Anakin knows anything about Obi-Wan and and Padmé’s characters, he would know that they would never be the kind to “betray” him. Anakin becoming jealous of a nonexistent thing is absurd.
