Now, I’m not a parent yet, but my partner and I are starting to turn our thoughts towards creating one of these ‘child’ things we’ve heard so much about. Apparently, they’re just like adults, but shorter, and haven’t had their spirits broken by the nature of real life yet. It sounds like something we want to be a part of.
As with all parents-to-be, I’m a little concerned about what the future’s going to hold for my hypothetical children. I was born right at the close of the 80s, and as a 90s child, I’ve seen a whole heckola of a lot of change. My childhood was all about wholesome toys and games; drawing, building with blocks and playing outside (remember outside? That was what we had before the internet was invented).
These days, the average toddler will happily grab a smartphone and flip through your gallery or start up an app like they’ve been doing it their whole lives. Do you know why that is? Because they have, that’s why. I don’t know about you, friends, but I have mixed feelings about this whole situation.
Good ol’ fashioned toys like teddy bears and LEGO bricks do still exist, granted. It’s just becoming increasingly about buzzing, bleeping, interactive and internet-functionality-enabled technology.
Not that the toys from our childhoods are entirely innocent. Some of those things were dangerous, ridiculous or just plain awful. Let’s take a look back at some of the worst children’s toys ever, along with some that are still as great as they ever were.
29 WORST: Tamagotchi — STOP BEEPING!
Speaking of toys that beep and flash far too darn much, we’ve had those for a long time. Back in the day, the Tamagotchi was the king of that. The poster child of the virtual pet craze of the 90s, it would display a simplistic and pixelated image of an animal on its LCD screen.
It would move around, poop, sleep, get bored and hungry, just like a real pet. It would also, of course, beep incessantly at you in a bid to get you to tend to its needs. In my experience, the novelty quickly wore off.
28 WORST: Mousetrap — Prep Time: Seventeen Years
Now, don’t go running off with the false impression that I’m just Mousetrap-bashing for no reason. The truth is, I thought this boardgame was fantastic, and the whole concept was truly creative. As a child, I wasn’t really a fan of these things generally, but the idea of Mousetrap and its elaborate plastic ‘trap’ seemed super fun.
The idea did, at any rate. Sadly, the reality was a little different. The whole thing was super time-consuming and fiddly to put together. And then there was always one crucial little part that you’d lost, but you wouldn’t realise that until a half-hour into the whole process.
27 STILL AWESOME: The Yo-Yo — You Spin Me Right Round, Baby, Right Round
I don’t know if this is more of a British thing, but just before I went into high school, the yo-yo made one holy heckola of a comeback. One of the most classic toys of all time, this is something that health and safety regulations would probably never allow within twenty miles of a schoolyard now. In my experience, anyway.
It’s funny how these things make a resurgence. The 90s yo-yo trend may have been short-lived, but it’s a fun and surprisingly technical toy that deserved to make a return. I hope it does again. Some of those tricks are still firmly engrained in my mind.
26 WORST: The Furby — Cute? CUTE!?
Again, don’t @ me on this one. I can see the appeal of the Furby, I really can. Back in 1998, when Tiger Electronics first unleashed this little thing on the world, it was a bit of a technical marvel.
It had facial expressions, and was even programmed to start replacing its native ‘Furbish’ with English words, like a horrific hairy ‘child’ that was learning to talk.
Granted, this is all impressive stuff, but the dang things gave me nightmares. It’s been used in a few horror games since, and I do not appreciate it at all.
25 WORST: Pogs — Excuse Me While I Get My ‘Slammer’
In Britain, where I grew up, this odd game was named Pogs, but that may be different elsewhere. You might know it as milk caps, and it seems to be much, much older than it seems. It was popularised in the mid-to-late 90s, but according to The Virginian Pilot, it may date back all the way to the 13th Century, in the form of an old Japanese card game named Menko.
The concept is simple: you have your regular cardboard playing Pogs, arranged in a face-down stack. You strike them with your plastic ‘Slammer,’ and any Pogs that you manage to flip face-up become yours. Those that remain face-down are reset for the next player.
As simple as the game is, it can all get very, very heated. Man, did I have some bad experiences with this one.
24 STILL AWESOME: Buckaroo! — Pure, Simple, Rage-Fuelled Fun
As much as I enjoyed the whole concept of Mousetrap, sometimes you way to play a board game that doesn’t require abut six months’ preparation. In that case, it’s time to bust out Buckaroo!
The ‘board’ consists of a plastic, articulated mule, which you set into a standing position before starting each game. The objective is to load the mule with various plastic items, which weight it down each time, without being the one to make the darn thing buck.
It’s simple yet surprisingly strategic and tense, with plenty of potential to mess with your opponents and make the entire family hate each other. What more could you ask for from a board game?
23 WORST: Nerf Guns — A Trip To Hurt Waiting To Happen
I can totally appreciate that the lingering threat of physical aggression is just a natural consequence of playing any board game. I love you and all, grandma, but I will roundhouse kick you in the dentures if you make it to the goal square before me. Again.
With that said, a toy designed around the whole idea is bound to be a little controversial. Still, that’s Nerf guns for you. They’re harmless enough, with their foam darts, but you’ve still got to be pretty darn responsible with them. They sure can smart.
22 WORST: Pokémon Cards — A Thriving Black Market
Speaking of controversial playthings, Pokémon cards were a hot topic in schools around the world back in the 90s. My high school, like many others, banned them entirely, such was their impact. Naturally, the only effect this had was to encourage a thriving black market.
Remember Resident Evil 4’s “whaddaya buyin’” merchant? It was just like that, only with holo Hitmonchan cards and Fire energy instead of rocket launchers.
My school wasn’t big on actually playing the TCG, funnily enough, but collecting the cards consumed all of our time. Which probably explains a lot, when I think about it.
21 STILL AWESOME: Jump Rope — The Very Last Word In Classic Toys
When it comes to vintage toys, nothing can touch the jump rope. It’s been a schoolyard-dominating mainstay for decades on end, and it’s never likely to go anywhere.
It’s fun, it gets you active, it’s used to train everyone from preteen dancers to boxers. What’s not to like about this one? There’s no more wholesome image than schoolchildren engaged in a jump rope chant (except perhaps in the case of A Nightmare on Elm Street). The whole concept brings back terrible memories of that darn jump rope minigame from Final Fantasy IX, but I can’t blame the toy itself for that.
20 WORST: Whip ‘N Skip — You Could Take Someones… Ankle Out With That
Great vintage toy that the jump rope was, it was still the cause of many a childhood injury. What with trips, bruises, sprains and whip-related incidents (jump ropes can go darn fast when you get into it, as we all know), you’ve got to be darn careful with them.
The Whip N’ Skip took that ball and ran it to the end zone. Or to the emergency room. The 90s spawned this intriguing device, an ankle-mounted jump rope that needed even greater co-ordination and care to use effectively. Just looking at this thing scares me.
19 WORST: Robosapien — The Robot Revolution
Now, it isn’t fair to judge the robot toys of the early 2000s by today’s standards. Of course, it isn’t. Technology has advanced in freaking leaps and bounds since then, after all.
It’s isn’t fair, perhaps, but it is darn fun, so let’s do it. Robosapien was a super popular toy in its day, and is actually still available. In first released in 2004, a small biomorphic robot that can dance, grip and throw objects and actually walk (without wheels, treads or anything else). It was neat at the time, for sure, but is about as outdated as Austin Powers today.
18 STILL AWESOME: Remote-Controlled Cars — Have You Passed Your Test?
There’s something timeless about the RC car. It’s existed in so many forms for so many years, and has been becoming steadily more technically-impressive as technology has allowed.
The RC car is one of those rare toys that’s fun for children and their parents alike.
Surely I wasn’t the only one to receive one for Christmas, only for Dad to proceed to hog it for most of the day?
I grew up in a small cul-de-sac, and it was the perfect track for a remote control car. You can get some darn fancy ones these days, too.
17 WORST: Whoopee Cushion — Yep, They’re Still A Thing
Right up there with the jump rope in the drawer marked The Very Classic-iest of Classic Toys, we have the whoopee cushion. Part toy, part prankster’s weapon, this low-tech device appeals to the Beavis and Butthead in all of us.
There’s nothing too technical going on here. No flashing lights, Bluetooth capability or social media integration. You just blow it up, balloon-style, hide it somewhere and hope that you can frame some poor soul with a supposed gas problem. The times have moved on just a little since the days of Dennis the Menace, sadly.
16 WORST: The Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab — Now With 67% More Atomic Energy!
Why, yes, the Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab did come with actual uranium ore included. Thanks for asking.
We’re taking classic all the way literally with this one, and heading back to 1950. As List25 reports, this was an era when atomic energy (and everything relating to it) was the hottest of hot topics. How to cash in on that? By releasing a super-strange toy.
This deeply scientific-looking kit came with multiple different kinds of uranium, come to that. There’s also a Geiger counter in there. Yikes.
15 STILL AWESOME: Monopoly — Fun For All The Family?
That’s right, friends. Now we’re talking. In the board game arena, there’s no game more beloved –or more notorious, depending on how you look at it—than Monopoly.
There’s always that one super-competitive player, who dials the heat all the way up and delights in building those hotels. Who cackles like an over-enthusiastic Twitch streamer whenever anybody gets an unfortunate Chance card. Monopoly has been a holiday staple for families all around the world since it was first published in 1935, and it’s sure to remain that way too.
14 WORST: Trampolines — What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
When you watch shows like Funniest Home Videos and You’ve Been Framed!, you’ll find that a pattern starts to form in the kinds of clips shown. They’ll tend to feature doddery old pensioners and equally-doddery toddlers falling over, and painful-looking mishaps on trampolines.
Trampolines are super fun, there’s no doubt about that, but they’re also much more dangerous than you may think.
True enough, this factor is usually heightened by people being irresponsible on them (see You’ve Been Framed!), but still. You can never be quite sure how or where you’re going to land.
13 WORST: Sin N’ Spin — You Spin Me Right Round… Wait, I’ve Already Done That One
Clearly, there was something a little off about this one right from the start. I guess you can see where they were coming from (the teacups are always fun at fairs, why not release at at-home version of them?), just a little, but… there was really only ever one possible outcome here.
It’s a simple concept to grasp: you sit on it, and you spin around. I doubt it took much of a thinktank for the PR team to arrive at that name. It’s just… it’s Vomit City.
12 STILL AWESOME: The Super Soaker — It’s Super, And You’ll Get Soaked
Back in my day, water pistols were fairly simple affairs. They were small, didn’t hold much water at all, and were relatively harmless. As I grew up, though, increasingly elaborate designs were created. They held liters and liters of the stuff, sported pump-action power, and were capable of sending you sprawling on your back (if you’re as skinny as I was, that is).
These aren’t mere water pistols, they’re full-on water bazookas. They’re also, needless to say, an absolute riot of fun, and one of the best possible ways a child can spend a hot summer day.
11 WORST: The Snacktime Cabbage Patch Doll —Well, I Didn’t Need All Ten Fingers
On the surface, this one didn’t seem like such a bad idea. Dolls are becoming ever more realistic, with real eating, pooping, peeing, diaper-changing action, after all. Why shouldn’t we have a Cabbage Patch doll that can eat its own not-real food?
Because it didn’t only eat its own, not-real food, that’s why. Those gnashing jaws had precisely zero ways of distinguishing between anything it found in its mouth, which… well, you can imagine. It was like some kind of bizarre Chucky movie, when these things started chowing down on children’s fingers.
10 WORST: Heelys — Why Walk When You Can Roll?
Now, generally speaking, exercise tends to be regarded as quite a good thing. There are all manner of benefits associated with getting off of our saggy cheeks and moving, even if it’s just for a good walk. You don’t always have to go full Wii Fit, jogging-on-the-spot-like-a-fool on us.
Those of you who aren’t down for the whole actually walking place thing will probably remember Heelys, those odd sneakers with the wheels in the soles. They were so very 90s, in every way it’s possible for shoes to be. They’re still going strong, too.
