So, there’s an obscure little JRPG I’m quite fond of. I don’t know if you’ll ever have heard of it, because I’m quite a hip and happening fella, and I steer well away from the mainstream, but hear me out. I highly recommend it.
It’s called Final Fantasy VII.
That’s right, friends. Snark aside, just about everyone who has ever ventured beyond Candy Crush in the gaming sphere will know of this one. This was, of course, the game that popularised the JRPG in the Western world. The game that introduced a whole generation to Final Fantasy, perhaps to role-playing games in general. Its influence was monumental.
Final Fantasy VII first hit the PS1 in 1997. In the two decades since, it’s been ported to PC, PS4 and mobile (both Android and iOS). It’s just so influential, so beloved, that many people find themselves re-buying it each time it’s released, however many times they’ve already played it. I’m one of those people, in fact.
Having said all of this, and I’ll make no secret of the fact that I adore the game, I’m not blind to its flaws. Whether we’re talking questionable boss battles, bugs, or darn Chocobo breeding that would drive you to kick roundhouse kick your own grandma in the teeth, there’s a lot going on within Final Fantasy VII that’s all kinds of shonky.
It’s quite a controversial title, after all. As Kanye West will tell you, there are lots of lovers but there are also lots of haters. Let’s investigate some of these gripes, with The 25 Worst Things About Final Fantasy VII.
25 The Final ‘Boss’ Needs Work
As you’ve probably surmised from that heading, being the wise and discerning readers you are, there are going to be all kinds of spoilers through the course of this rundown. If you’re here and you still haven’t played through the game yet, for whatever reason, you’re going to want to click away. Now.
Still here? Good. So’s Sephiroth, waiting for you at the bottom of that darn crater, and he’s about to pull all kinds of shenanigans on us. I suppose, mechanically, that final encounter was quite neat. It follows the common pattern of the big villain of the piece refusing to unleash THEIR FINAL FORM and go down the first time around.
Naturally. Sephiroth (that is to say, JENOVA) had been talking smack for much of the game, one fight wouldn’t have cut it. First, there’s another freakish lumpen JENOVA to fight, swiftly followed by the disgustingly weird Bizarro Sephiroth. Once this dang thing with a tiny body growing out of the top of its head is done with, we’re on to Safer Sephiroth, with his fancy fluffy hand-wing (singular), and that one ‘summon’ he uses that takes eight years to finish.
All of which is, as I say, fine. It’s just that, after all of this, we’re then left with the actual final ‘boss,’ that cinematic encounter that is impossible to lose. Why does Cloud magically have Omnislash, if he never learned it? Why does this fantastic-looking Sephiroth model get wasted like this?
24 Gold Chocobo, Gold Shmockobo
Elsewhere in the series, the elusive golden Chocobo has been a neat reward to acquire. It’s previously been attached to certain sidequests, such as Final Fantasy IX’s Chocobo Hot and Cold (I say previously because both games are old, so we’re free to go all timey-wimey here).
In that game, the chocograph hunting was… well, it was a pain in the cheeks, but it was also incredibly rewarding. Whether you’re simply going for the best gear, or you’re delving a little deeper and going for collecting the cards too, Chocobo Hot and Cold was the way to go. Evolving Choco all the way even granted you access to the game’s major super boss (and king of all RNG junk, if you don’t know the fight), Osma.
Now, granted, this is completely my opinion, but that’s what I’m here to give. Did you hate Chocobo Hot and Cold, but totally dug the whole breeding thing from Final Fantasy VII? That’s all well and good. Myself? Heckles, no. I’ve replayed this game over and over down the years, but I’ve bred myself a golden chocobo only once. It’s a long and frustrating journey, and was especially difficult in the days before you could simply look up a guide online and be on your way.
Getting the right nuts, the advice from the weird old wizard dude with the long tail, breeding wonderful chocobos with the right partners? No thanks, friend.
23 OP Materia Is OP
Long-time Final Fantasy fans will have become accustomed to the job system. This mechanic allowed players to customize their party members and their role in battle, by assigning them a class.
Depending on the title you’re playing, you could opt for the classic Final Fantasy jobs like white mage, black mage, and warrior, or go a little further off the beaten track with something like a viking, chemist or berserker. As for me, I’ve always been partial to the ranger, myself.
But that’s mainly so I can vicariously live out my fantasy of prancing about like Robin Hood at all times.
The goal, then, was to construct a party that fits your playstyle, but adapting jobs and abilities accordingly. Final Fantasy VII was the first in the series to depart from this formula, allowing the player free reign to change their blank slate characters to their liking through materia.
There’s a huge amount to choose from. Elemental weapons, life-leeching summons, and such are all possible. The sad fact is, while there’s almost limitless scope to combine materia effects, much of it is completely impractical. A simple 4x Cut or Knights of the Round materia, with a Mime thrown in there, makes a lot of that creativity obsolete.
22 Magic Defense Is Not A Thing, And I’m Sad
One of the central elements of an RPG, as we all know, is the stats. Each game handles these a little differently, but they tend to be divided into HP, MP, Strength, Defense, and the likes. The higher those numbers, the more damage you can take, the more you can deal, the more magic you can cast, all of those sorts of things.
In the Final Fantasy franchise, two more recurring stats are Vitality and Spirit. Generally, these two have bearings on a character’s physical defense and magical defense respectively, but not always. In Final Fantasy IX, for instance, Spirit was the Chuck Norris of character stats, effecting all kinds of different things (many of which were hidden from the player).
Presumably, this was the Spirit stat’s apology for being so darn crummy in Final Fantasy VII. In that game, thanks to a bug in the coding, the Magic Defense of a character’s armor is not added to their Spirit as intended. The latter alone determines the damage you take from magical attacks. This bug was not fixed until 2012, with the release of the PC version.
It’s a problem akin to Final Fantasy VI’s Evade bug, and it’s a darn bad time.
21 I Used To Be An Ancient, Then I Took A Masamune To The Knee
Now, there’s no gentle way to hit you with this revelation. When you’re dealing with something that’s going to shock people to the very core of their being, it tends to be better to just jump right in. Rip that band-aid off.
So here we go. In what is probably the least known, least spoiled secret in gaming history… Aeris does not survive Final Fantasy VII. That’s right, friends. This is brand new information, which you were not prepared for. I know how you feel, I haven’t even had my morning coffee yet. But there it is.
Yep, of course, we all know this. Just as the first disk of this epic adventure concludes, so does the poor flower girl’s existence in the mortal coil. Sephiroth (or rather, ‘Sephiroth’) performs the dirty deed as Aeris kneels in prayer at the altar, leading to all manner of other revelations. Including the fact that Cloud is actually one of the Thunderbirds (or whichever puppet-related snarky joke you prefer).
This whole thing really gets me down, and not only because of the fact that it results in a feeble boss battle which is literally impossible to lose if one of your party has the conveniently-located Water Ring equipped. It’s unusual for an RPG to permanently take one of its key party members out of commission, mostly due to the fact a lot of the time the player invested in them will be wasted.
I sure did like Aeris. She’s the white mage/top-notch support character I’ve always wanted to use in this game. I won’t, though. She’ll wield that pathetic Guard Stick and Iron Bangle for the whole of her brief tenure in the game, and she’ll like it.
20 Those Baffling Elephant Man Visuals
Now, I’m certainly not one of those gamers who sets too much stock in visuals. Heckles no. I split my time pretty well equally between modern day and classic games, and graphics are not a factor in my enjoyment. As long as we’re not talking something like E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial for the Atari, which made me want to punch my own eyes in the face, I’m fine.
On top of that, there’s another important thing to remember here: It’s not fair to judge a two-decade-old game’s visuals. Of course, it isn’t. That’s like hopping back in time to 1997, grabbing somebody’s cell phone, bringing it back to the modern day, comparing said phone with a newly-released 2018 model and saying, well, darn, this thing’s bad, doesn’t it?
That’s not cool at all, is it? Think of that innocent 1997-dweller, who had their phone stolen by a time-traveling bozo.
They’re out there somewhere, today, twenty-one years later, and their friends still think they’re crazy.
But my train of thought’s getting slightly derailed there. My point is, in hindsight:
Final Fantasy VII is quite beautiful in places, and quite… well, hideous in others.
Those models, friends. Those models. How did we go from these grotesque, lumpen, box-armed mutants to Final Fantasy VIII’s (relative) hyper-realism so quickly?
19 The Wait For The Remake… Again
Oh, yes indeed. After years of waiting, wondering, whining and threatening to break into Square-Enix HQ at midnight and leave something ghastly in the toilets without flushing, the impossible happened.
At E3 2015, Sony actually confirmed that Final Fantasy VII was being remade.
I don’t think you can have missed that announcement. It was… well, it was a modestly big deal. The chance to see Cloud, Barret and the rest of the crew do battle across Midgar and beyond, with modern-day visuals that won’t make your eyeballs cry tears of sad, sad, salty sadness and disgust? That’s not something you can turn down.
Sadly, it’s just shy of three years since that announcement was made, and we really haven’t made much progress. We’re not really any closer to a release date or any real news, other than some quick battle footage and the fact that the whole thing is going to be released episodically.
After all these years of waiting, hoping and petitioning, it’s heartbreaking to watch the game fall into some kind of development purgatory. This was one heckola of an ambitious project, and is that very fact going to doom it? Nobody can really say at this point.
18 Yuffie Makes Me Feel Some Kind Of Way
If any big RPG, you’re usually going to have an expansive cast of characters to choose from. Some of them will be major players, some will only have bit parts, but they’re all there. After all, the kinds of sprawling, epic journeys we’re talking about here are kind of defined by the varied cast we meet along the way.
Over the course of the franchise, Final Fantasy has presented us with a whole gaggle of unique and curious characters. Adelbert Steiner, the stuffy and pompous knight. Cecil Harvey, the conflicted Dark Knight-turned-Paladin. Red XIII, the enigmatic… fiery dog thing from a proud tribe of… fiery dog things.
In among all of these, you’re going to have mixed feelings about certain personalities. You’re going to have favorites. By the same token, you’re going to have other characters that you’d happily leave languishing out of the main battle party forever. For me, one of those characters would be Yuffie.
Along with Vincent Valentine, Yuffie is one of the game’s two optional characters. Vincent is encountered in a secret room within the Shinra Mansion, while Yuffie appears much earlier on (depending on when you trigger her battle). After doing so, you have to jump through various conversational hoops to get her to actually join you (most of which are completely counter-intuitive).
Once you’ve gone through all of this, she’ll then proceed to offer absolutely nothing of worth in terms of dialogue, simply prattling on about stealing materia and/or not caring what else is going on.
And then there’s the whole Wutai sidequest.
17 Wutai? Wu-Why?
As I said, Yuffie is able to join the party from the moment you start heading over to Junon. You leave the cave where you encounter the Turks, and find several big ol’ patches of foliage on the world map. If you run into them, you’ll find yourself in those darn random battles as usual, and have a chance of being challenged by a mysterious ninja.
This is Yuffie, and if you defeat her, that whole chain of events unfolds to get her to join your merry band. Once she does so, as with everybody else, she’ll pipe up with her own comments during events if she’s in the party.
Initially, she isn’t interested in anything other than the party journeying around to the west. Why should they do that? Because they dang well shouldn’t, that’s why.
That strange, unexplored continent to the west? That’s where freaking Wutai is.
At a certain point in the game, disembarking here will start a whole unavoidable side story in motion. You have to run the entire length of the continent to get to the town itself, and then endure a bizarre fetch quest/treasure hunt seemingly designed by Beelzebub himself. Or maybe he just found it in some clogged underworld u-bend. I couldn’t tell you.
There are two things I can tell you, though. The first is that I had freaking zero desire to see Don Corneo again, and the second is that taking away all of our dang materia is not a fun idea.
16 The Unstoppable Hype Train
As we know, we live in the age of the remake. The remaster. The reboot. All kinds of money-grubbing shenanigans beginning with ‘Re.’ Some of these projects go down quite well, as with the Crash Bandicoot N. Sane Trilogy. That was a ground-up rebuild of a classic franchise, treated well, which is exactly how these things should be handled in my eyes.
On the other side of the coin, you’ve got those quick, lazy jobs, where games are given a slight texture boost and that’s the end of it. In short, we’re all totally used to seeing these remakes, and we’ve got a little hardened and cynical about the whole thing. So why is a Final Fantasy VII remake such a huge deal?
Because it’s Final Fantasy VII, that’s why.
The game was hugely influential, and is still impossibly popular. The thing about this, though, is that it attracts (as Kanye West will tell you) the haters. You can’t be highly rated without being overrated, to some, and that presents a problem. You can just imagine the pressure on the team just now. How can you possibly live up to the hype surrounding this remake? It’s no wonder they’re taking their sweet, sweet time with this.
15 Cid’s Ridiculous Language
As Final Fantasy fans will know, Cid is one of the most iconic recurring-characters-that-is n’t-really-recurring-if-you-want-to-get-persnickety-about-it in gaming. Every mainline series entry has featured a Cid, each as remarkably disparate as the games themselves.
In Final Fantasy XV, Cid is a hardened old mechanic, who can update Noctis and the rest of his band members’ (come on, don’t tell me these guys don’t look like Whitesnake back in the day) weaponry if you can find him the right parts. In Final Fantasy VIII, he’s the nerdly old headmaster of Balamb Garden, all thick glasses, and tweed jackets.
In Final Fantasy VII, of course, he’s the inimitable and hilariously potty-mouthed Cid Highwind.
Back in 1997, foul language in an otherwise non-adult rated game was a-okay, providing that it was crudely censored. As such, Cid’s (and Barret’s) dialogue is peppered with asterisks, stars, and other symbols, so that we get the message but Little Jimmy isn’t horribly scarred by the language therein.
In terms of worst things about the game (yep, this one’s a little out there, but stick with me), yep, Cid’s language is definitely the worst. As I say, Barret certainly goes to great, rude lengths to explain that he’s got mixed feelings about the current situation, but never quite with Cid’s raw style.
Remember the Tiny Bronco crashing into the ocean? “This is gonna be a big splash! Hold on to your pants and don’t {redacted} in ‘em!”
14 Cid’s Whole Essence, Come To Think Of It
Speaking of Cid Highwind, I’ve always felt totally conflicted about the guy. When it comes to Final Fantasy job classes, the dragoon has always been one of my favourites, and that’s the role that Cid takes here. Sure, jobs are super-loosely defined in this game (loose enough to dang well fall right off and roll under the kitchen counter, if we’re being honest), but with his spear-wielding, jump-attack-oriented battle style, Cid is clearly a dragoon.
In my book, that’s quite as plus for any character. That’s a USP and a half, right there. Still, I’m not as shallow as all that. You’ve also got to look beyond the physical, the base attractiveness of big, bountiful… spears, and take a look at the person underneath.
Don’t look too closely, though, because there’s a vein of pure d-bag that runs straight to the centre of Cid. It’s not pretty.
When we first meet him in Rocket Town, he’s feeling hopeless, lost; adrift on a tide of what-in-heckola-am-I-supposed-to-do-with-my-life. He’s channeling the spirit of every millennial with a fancy college diploma, in short. He’s also super cruel to Shera, his… well, whatever role she’s currently fulfilling in his life.
As we sit and listen to him talk of his past and the failed rocket launch, we get somewhat of an understanding of why he behaves this way, but still. I must admit, I warmed to him later but I didn’t like Cid at all at first.
13 The Super-Shonky Translation
It goes without saying that, in a lot of ways, Japan is really the ‘home’ of gaming. As anybody who doesn’t live there has surely complained about on the internet numerous times — they seem to get everything first.
It’s a harsh reality of living in the West that we’re often left to rely on expensive imports, or pledge our mortal souls to Odin himself in hopes of a game being localized and sent on over our way. Oftentimes, this never happens, or finally happens a year or two after the fact.
Gamers in other regions often like to compete to see who has it worst in that regard. Is it the European players? Those in North America? Wherever you live, you’ll get the short end of the straw at times when it comes to releases, and you’re not going to be amused about it.
The fact is, though, localization can be a mammoth task. It’s going to vary on a case-by-case basis —with some titles like Monster Hunter working just fine as an import— but an RPG? Something else super-dialogue-intensive, like Animal Crossing? That would be rough.
Now, I’m not one to be picky in regard to translations, but I’m not sure how some of this slipped by. The original Western release of Final Fantasy VII is certainly questionable. I know “This guy are sick” is just legendary and hilarious, but that doesn’t make it right.
12 When Enemy Skills Break The Game
Now, we’ve touched on the fact that Final Fantasy VII emphasizes customizable characters, over the rigidly-defined job system that previous titles employed. Nevertheless, each party member does have base stats and limit breaks, showing that they’re kind of ‘inspired by’ the job classes of old. Aeris, as I said, has a very high natural Magic stat, and support-oriented Limit Breaks. She’s not a white mage, but she definitely is, if you follow me.
The key concept of the materia system is that each regular magic spell you equip (green materia) increases that character’s magical abilities a little, while reducing their physical strength the same amount. Stronger magic, like summon spells (red materia), tends to have a greater effect, in terms of increasing MP but reducing HP.
The Enemy Skill materia, which is a command materia (yellow), doesn’t affect your stats in that way. It’s the game’s equivalent of the Blue Mage class, in that you can learn select enemy abilities simply by being hit with them. The issue here is, certain enemy skills are incredibly powerful, doing far greater damage (while costing much more MP) than green materia during a good chunk of the game. Beta, Trine, Magic Breath… if you’re going that route, this is where the magical power’s really at.
Not to mention that White Wind and Big Guard are far too good.
11 Dude, Where’s My Fantasy?
As anybody who’s experienced the prior entries in the series will tell you, Final Fantasy VII signified quite a shift in tone. If the big old Fantasy in the title there didn’t tip you off, there are supposed to be fantastical elements here. You know, dragons, wizards, magic, all of those sorts of shenanigans.
When Squaresoft (as they were known at the time) wanted to get back to the series’ routes for its PS1 swansong, they created Final Fantasy IX. This game is renowned for its storybook visuals and Medieval-ish, high fantasy-ish world. For me, these elements had always been key to the whole atmosphere of the earlier Final Fantasy entries. Now, granted, this isn’t to say that Cloud and co. aren’t surrounded by magic, fantastical creatures and all the rest of it.
It’s just that there’s a scientific, technological bent to the whole thing. The concept of people ‘using’ materia even provides a (kind of, sort of, if you squint a bit) scientific explanation for magic.
The idea of Shinra and their mako reactors, all of the machines, TVs and cell phones… it’s not quite a fantasy.
Which is all well and good, but in a similar vein to Resident Evil 4, this instalment had a huge influence on how the games that followed would be shaped.
10 Oh, Sephiroth’s Casting Supernova, I’ll Come Back Next Week
So, yes. We’ve already covered the fact that it’s just unfair to snark on mid-to-late-90s 3D in games. That’s like shooting Lara Croft’s horribly triangular appendages in a barrel. It’s an interesting case study in just how far the industry’s come, visually, but as a point to criticise? It doesn’t really hold up.
Incredible things were happening in 3D gaming in the 90s, after all. Take 1998’s Metal Gear Solid. Granted, Solid Snake’s face looks like a furious toddler drew it while holding a crayon with their foot, but man was this game stunning at the time. Hideo Kojima was firing on every possible cylinder with this one.
In a way, though, that’s part of the issue here. Around this time, a lot of big-name franchises (Mario, Zelda, Metal Gear, Final Fantasy) were tasking their first steps into the 3D arena, and the pressure was on to impress. There were more than a few superfluous cutscenes and “hey, ma, look I can do effects now” moments as a result.
I’m willing to blame some of the over-long and unskippable summon monster animations on this too. Then there’s the biggest offender of all, Sephiroth’s Supernova ‘summon.’ this animation is so theatrically long that I’d grown a full-on Rumpelstiltskin beard by the time it had finished. I was about twelve the first time I played, too, so that’s saying something.
9 Sephiroth, The Super-Controversial Villain Of The Piece
Speaking of the main man himself, man has he had a mixed reception over the years.
Back to that whole debate, then. Is Final Fantasy VII horribly overrated? Is it a masterpiece, and deservedly hyped as it should be? There’s really no answer to that one. It’s all personal preference, and nobody’s going to convince anybody else to change their minds.
Most importantly, getting into that is like riding a huge, excitable husky into a minefield full of ham-scented mines. I really don’t want to get into it, in short. Suffice it to say that these sorts of questions extend to just about every element of the game. The characters, the plot, the materia system… everything’s been analyzed to heck and back over the years.
As, of course, has Sephiroth himself. Where he ranks in the great pantheon of Final Fantasy villains is, again, personal choice, but there’s no denying that he’s one of the most iconic villains in gaming, probably the most recognizable the franchise has to offer.
What kind of villain is he, though? That’s a tough one too. If he the awesome walking-through-fire-in-that-one-cutscene malevolent force of greatness? Is he a weak-willed mummy’s boy? All I can tell you for sure is, that’s an accusation often leveled at him.
8 Ruby Weapon And Its Darn Quicksand
Now, I’m trying to empathize here. I really am. I can kinda sorta understand where they were going with this. After all, Ruby and Emerald Weapon are the optional superbosses of the game, intended as a extra little challenge for players who want to go above and beyond the main story. Naturally, this is a common concept, not only in the Final Fantasy franchise but in RPGs, generally.
The challenge of these encounters will vary wildly from game to game. It’s also a matter of player skill and preparation. Some will have a darn easy time, and others will struggle to no avail.
Difficult is one thing, but artificial difficulty is something else entirely.
Staying within the series, Final Fantasy IX’s Ozma could really really mess with you, if you didn’t know the mechanics of the fight. Players had to be sure to input commands only when this great ball of hatred and fury was already casting something of its own, or it would magically take another turn straight away.
In the cheapness stakes, though, nothing quite tops Ruby Weapon for me. Of the two, Emerald is often regarded as the harder fight, but Ruby’s Whirlsand attack (which will instantly remove two of your party members from the battle, unless you come in with two KO’d), coupled with the super-fun Mardis Gras of status effects make it by far the worst for me.
7 The Gold Saucer’s Wonder Square: A Little Less Than Wonderful
So, yes. After we arrive in the sad, sad remains of North Corel, the super-friendly residents greet us by punching Barret in the face (they don’t get many visitors around here, you see) and he’s shared the heartbreaking story of his past, we head off to the Gold Saucer. At this point, I felt like I was entitled to a little time off. Some fun times at an amusement park, to let off some steam and break the tension.
Early signs on our way into the park were great. The place is darn huge, the music is the happiest, jingliest, most utterly joy-emanating-ist I’ve ever heard in my life (seriously I really do love the Gold Saucer theme). Then we actually go in, and… well, everything goes from zero to garbage real fast.
As a huge fan of all the little arcade games and such you can play at these places, I headed straight off to the Wonder Square. There, I was greeted by the freakish and irritating Cait Sith, who forced himself into the party. Quite literally, but walking straight on into Cloud’s chest and suddenly appearing in the party menu.
That was bad enough, but do you know how many wonders are available at the Wonder Square? I’ll tell you how many: none, that’s how many. There’s that terrible arm-wrestling-with-the-awfully-animated-sumo-wrestler-arm thing, the VR fighting thing, the Chocobo house thing, and that’s about it.
Later, you can conveniently replay the snowboarding and submarine games here, but don’t bother.
6 Kalm Flashback Scene? Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That
Now, I’m sure I don’t really need to reiterate, but I’m not just cheaply snarking on the game here. I’ve always enjoyed and appreciated Final Fantasy VII, and I’m always going to. For me, it’s one of those essential games that I come back to replay every year or so. It’s a tradition.
Having said that, though, however much you enjoy a game, there are usually parts that you just don’t feel so strongly about. Sometimes, there’s just a general air of ‘meh’ about them, and other times, you hate them with a glorious flaming passion, and would forcefully scratch them right off of the surface of the game disk forever if you could.
My feelings for the Kalm flashback scene lie somewhere between those two emotions. Every time I play through the game, this is the part I look forward to the least. Somehow, that whole feeling of yep, I know all of this, I’ve played this thirty times is stronger during this sequence.
Partly, I think it’s the thrill of finally being on the world map and just wanting to get our cheeks moving, after so long in Midgar. It just seems to plain drag on. Just look at Barret, asking if we want to stop, save and have a sleep mid-story. That’s when you know your story is too darn long.
