It is a well-known travesty that despite boasting nearly four hundred villagers, players cannot get married in Animal Crossing: New Horizons. Suspending disbelief, who would be the best spouses, and of course, the worst?

9. Best – Raymond

The gray cat with blonde hair is an absolute delight. Besides being stylish and always dressed to impress, his heterochromia is such a great looking and unique trait among the villagers. While he does have a smug personality, he converses easily with virtually everyone, and no matter what gender the player is, he’ll flirt to his heart’s content. Raymond will keep the romance going for years to come.

8. Worst – Vladimir

In another timeline, Vladimir’s cranky attitude and general rudeness might have been endearing, but not in our dark timeline. Covid-19 has people looking for the best villagers, those who will lift us up, and Vladimir? All he does is bring us down. Since he will only befriend the player after much belittling, and since his idea of fun is making up fake stories about peppy villagers, Vlad is a definite no-go.

7. Best – Beau

Beau is laid back, down to earth, and carefree. If you’re looking for a husband who likes to enjoy life with good food and naps, he’s your deer. Some villagers might clash with his lazy personality; but given that life on the island is supposed to be an escape from the real world, that’s suits us just fine.

6. Worst – Chow

When first meeting Chow, we were excited at the prospect of having a Panda move onto the island, but then we remember his personality from past games and that hope turns sour. Perhaps the pink glow is supposed to represent that he’s drunk all the time, otherwise we can’t imagine why Chow is always so insensitive to both villagers and the player. This cranky jerk has no place as a marriage partner, not now, not ever!

5. Best – Marshal

The smug squirrel wears the top half of a Canadian Tuxedo, which is a denim jacket everywhere else, and has a great personality. His social skills make it easy to converse with almost every other villager and he is often in a great mood, whether dancing unseen or singing Bubblegum.

Despite having an adversarial expression in his resting squirrel face, Marshal is among the cutest villagers once he makes any other expression. What kind of trait would be best fitting for a husband like Marshal? Without a doubt, access to the Sloppy Set of furniture which does not seem to have made it into New Horizons would be ideal. Maybe Nintendo will release that in a future update.

4. Worst – Diva

Diva is another villager who is just plain rude to other people. Her name needs to be taken literally, as her ego is so big it’s no wonder the island feels too small for her. As a potential marriage partner, she’s the worst, because even if you someone manage to put in enough effort to get into her good graces, she’ll still often rebuke players even the simplest actions like speaking. There are plenty of villagers who appreciate us, and Diva does not deserve any of our time.

3. Best…or Worst? Pietro

The sheep that dresses like a clown can be a bit hit, or a total miss. Some people hate clowns, so there might not be getting around that when it comes to romance. However, we cannot deny his passion for presentation. We guarantee that Pietro is the first to volunteer when there is a local play, game of charades, and you know he’ll be up for matching couples’ outfits and cosplaying at Animal-Con. That’s like Comic-Con, but for villagers who dress up as other villagers.

2. Worst – Eloise

Vladimir is bad enough with his rude nature, but Eloise cranks the disrespect up to 11, coming off as arrogant, rude, and surprisingly hostile for someone who might have the player as a neighbor. Worse still is that this snooty villager does not grow or become warmer over time. Her overall design seems to be jerk, and super jerk. This is the last person we would want to marry.

1. Best – Tom Nook

There was never any doubt about who would reign supreme as the greatest spouse. Enterprising, entrepreneurial, ambitious, and willing to support the dreams of others with no questions asked, Tom Nook is everything we could ask for.

Perhaps none of these qualities are what a player seek in a spouse. Well then, do it for the fat stacks of Bells. Is Tom Nook the richest person in the Animal Crossing world? He must be, since he can offer millions of players loans on demand with zero interest.

Plus come on, look at that sexy body.

NEXT: Why New Horizons Is The Best Animal Crossing Yet