We here at TheGamer answer the deepest, most pressing question in the entire Pokémon universe: which one would you kiss?
This is not some frivolous inquiry like a game of murder/kiss/marry. This is deep scientific research into which fictional monster has the face you would most want to suck. It’s a difficult question to answer, but after consulting with various plush Pokémon toys and examining each and every Pokémon game in excruciating detail, we believe we have an answer.
But before we get to the all-important most kissable Pokémon, we should briefly discuss our selection criteria. First and foremost, the Pokémon must have a mouth and that mouth must have discernable lips. Giratina, Magnemite, and Hitmonlee are all disqualified for not having a mouth at all. Eternatus has what appears to be a mandible, but without any lips, kissing one appears to be impossible.
Second, the Pokémon must be something you’d consider kissing. This disqualifies various poisonous Pokémon (sorry, Muk) as well as Pokémon whose mouths are filled with shark-like teeth. You wouldn’t want to move in to french a Garchomp only to wind up with a face that looks like it just went through a blender.
With that in mind, we arrive at our most kissable Pokémon, subject to change as more Pokémon are added in future editions.
Jynx
A classic choice, Jynx is the original kissable Pokémon. Those luscious lips, that gorgeous hair, and those soulless eyes all just scream “take me, I’m yours!” It doesn’t hurt that Jynx’s appearances in the anime have been filled with various examples of its kissing prowess.
On top of that, Jynx’s psychic and ice abilities can enhance any kissing occasion, either by quelling the existential terror of making out with a Pokémon or by simply ensuring the recipient remains frozen solid.
Machamp
Machamp is an often overlooked kisser. Most Pokémon trainers focus on Machamps obvious musculature, but few consider the prominent lips that are bestowed upon every Machamp. And after all, aren’t lips just another muscle?
With four arms and enormous strength, Machamp can ensure that any kissing subject is adequately restrained in order to plant the most perfect pucker.
Gardevoir
Another Psychic-type, Gardevoir’s demure appearance belies a subtle strength and immense psychic power. Plus it sort of looks like she’s wearing a dress, which sort of adds to the illusion.
Obstagoon
Do you need the inside of your tonsils cleaned? Look no further than Obstagoon. With an appendage longer than your arm, Obstagoon brings new meaning to the phrase “tongue wrestling.” Plus, Obstagoon is rumored to have been based on KISS frontman Gene Simmons, who has reportedly kissed quite a few women in his time.
Zoroark
We would have gone with Ditto, but an unfortunate side effect of Ditto’s transformation ability is that it always retains its eyes and mouth, which is little more than a thin line and not exactly something you’d want to make out with.
Zoroark, on the other hand, can transform more fully into anything that the subject desires. This is both a defense mechanism and an excellent way for Zoroark to find a mate. Not that we’re looking or anything.
And if the illusion falls apart, Zoroark will at least still appeal to the furry crowd.
